A Bit of Grace

Adios, tumblr!

In the shadows of night I moved my blog over to Wordpress after finally saying “enough is enough” yesterday. Too many entries have been lost down the hot and humid tumblr gullet. Formatting gives me a headache and there is little to no hope for updates on the horizon.

Thanks for the good times, tumblr! Unfortunately there weren’t as many as there were bad times.

Followers… you can find me at www.abitofgrace.wordpress.com.

Meet the Peas Interview Series: Peter Landau

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

We’re nearing the end, but a trip through the collective mind of the Breepod would not be complete without first taking a spin through the odd and delightfully hysterical mind of Peter Landau.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

All my moments are embarrassing. My very first memory is embarrassing. I was saying goodbye to my mommy—I’m guessing I was four—and, just as the door closed behind her, I filled my pants with poop. I was just out of diapers and learned an important lesson about underwear: it is a poor waste receptacle.

Then there were my teenage years of drug experimentation, which usually ended poorly, like naked or in a straightjacket, but maybe you have a different definition of poorly. Still, have you ever woken up in a padded cell? It’s not as much fun as it sounds, and it doesn’t sound like much fun at all.

When was your first date and/or kiss?

My first kiss was in the stairwell of the Parsons School of Design dorm, which was in the same building as Andy Warhol’s studio, across the street from Union Square Park in New York City. It was great. I was an innocent boy of nineteen, who only knew of kissing from books and films; neither medium able to fully describe the gross yet stimulating allure of a wet tongue penetrating another’s mouth. My date had teased bleached hair that she kept airborne with Aquanet hairspray. I’ve loved that toxic smell ever since.

Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?

I was an awkward teenager who was beaten up daily for the first half of my teenage years, until the bullies discovered drugs and mellowed out. I hated sports, fancied myself an intellectual, at that point blissfully ignorant of the prefix “pseudo,” and loved “The Abbott and Costello Show,” which was rerun on late-night TV, then a wellspring of absurd and mind-blowing serendipitous discovery.

While never comfortable in any particular clique, I traveled freely among them all—stoners, jocks, preppies—but especially the losers and rejects. A tough guy that used to harden his knuckles on my stomach made a surprise appearance in the library one lunch hour. Seeing me at a table with the greasy, the mentally challenged, the foreign-exchange students, the lowliest of the low, commented, “Gaydau (bully pun on my surname), you’re King of the Faggots.”

Describe the best meal you’ve ever had:

That’s a toss-up, either Passover or Yom Kippur. Each Passover, my grandma made pot roast with gravy that she served over Jewish rye. Her secret was the pot roast pot, which my mother and aunt bitterly fought over after she died. It remains a contentious subject to this day.

The observant fast on Yom Kippur, breaking fast at sundown. I think. My family is culturally Jewish but secular. We’re Reformed Jews, which is basically Christian. We never fasted, or, as my uncle says, we fast between meals.

Still the Yom Kippur breakfast is one of my favorite meals: bagels and lox, white fish, herring smothered in cream and onions, gefilte fish, which is like the hamburger of the sea. It’s more of an Eastern European peasant thing than Jewish.

The great tragedy of my life is that I try (not always successfully) to eat a vegetarian diet, but the pull of a good Jewish deli is strong.

What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?

I have all the buckets I need, scratched them off my bucket list and then threw that list out in a bucket for irony.

What’s a story about you your Mother always tells?

There are many. When I was a baby, I never was able to sit up and my parents thought I would be this high-powered executive reclining behind my desk saying, “Mrs. Jones, take a letter.” That’s more of a visual, I guess.

When my mother was pregnant with my sister, she asked whether I wanted a boy or a girl? I replied: “No baby sister, no baby brother.” I’ve always been negative.

My mom is an actress and, after my sister and me were born, she mostly worked doing TV commercials. She often took us to auditions with her. One wanted to cast mothers with their real children, but mom never said anything to shield us from rejection. I got the job, a Tide commercial that had me missing a couple days of school to fly down to Florida and get my clothes dirty. On the plane, the stewardess asked me if I was going to Disneyworld. “No,” I said dismissively to this philistine. “I’m making a commercial.”

The commercial never aired, thankfully, or I’d be more of an interminable asshole than I already am.

We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!! 

What is your favorite word? 

Nude. 

What is your least favorite word? 

Dude. 

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)? 

Humor, intelligence, creativity. 

What turns you off? 

Humor, intelligence, creativity. 

What is your favorite curse word? 

I’m trying not to curse and set a good example for my kids. When the middle one, age six, gets mad he calls me a “fuck-hole.” Where the fuck-hole did he learn that? 

What sound or noise do you love? 

Godzilla’s atomic roar, the horn blown on “Planet of the Apes” when hunting humans, you know, normal stuff. 

What sound or noise do you hate? 

There are certain sounds my children make that are genetically designed to cut through to the most sensitive place in my nervous system and, once there, wreck ungodly havoc. That sound.  

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? 

Cartoonist. Funny you should ask. I’m looking into changing careers. Trade journalism is a soulless suck and not even a secure soulless suck. So, I’ve been searching for altruistic employment opportunities, something I can feel good about that will also financially support my family. I don’t think cartoonist fits that bill. 

What profession would you not like to do? 

That’s the problem with my current job hunt: all professions I would not like to do.  

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God save when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

Wait, God’s in Heaven? This religion thing is so confusing.

Do yourself a solid: See Peter Tweet.

Do Peter a solid: See Peter be an “interminable asshole”.

Update: THIS JUST IN! See Peter’s music career.

The Blogosphere has Eyes

The blogosphere has been bouncing this week between aspiring authors and agents over the question of speaking publicly about your “Dream Literary Agent” List.

It’s seemingly harmless, right? I also dream of winning an Academy Award for sitting on my couch watching movies and one day discovering I can fly.

There were responses to the blog posting and all the comments that followed, a lot of which offered up their “dream list” complete with names. A few scattered responses warned writers that this may not be a good idea. One blog post offered up the reasons why.

One reason: What if an agent who wants you isn’t on that list and finds out? This was the point people latched on to and either humbly accepted or fought against. But through the blog haze of angered fingers rat-a-tatting out retorts one very important point was lost.

Discretion.

When you land an agent the two of you become a team and your teammate needs to have confidence in you. Confidence that you’re in it for the long haul. Confidence that you’re going to work hard and smart. Confidence that you won’t hang your collective dirty laundry out on the front lawn for the whole neighborhood to see.

About the first argument: My agent, Bree Ogden, was never on my “Dream Agent” list because I didn’t know she existed. But when I found her… it was love at first type! (swoooon!) Bree Ogden, I’m about to get all Matthew Perry from Fools Rush In on you! “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted!”

And now to the second argument, which I feel people have not paid enough attention to: Discretion.

My friend Shannon told me about a time at her office when a young woman was interviewed and little did she know was “hired” moments after she walked out the door. Everyone was excited to hire her and was looking forward to working with her, but as HR always does, they googled her. And guess what they found!

Just moments after leaving her interview she blogged about it in glaring detail including names and full descriptions. She then gave a full run down of every inconsequential feeling or impression she had.

That left them thinking, “What else would she blog about?”

In the end she got a “Thanks, but no thanks” message later that day rather than the “Congratulations and welcome aboard” message she could have received. Because in the end, the seed of doubt that had been planted by her blogging habits wasn’t worth the risk of overlooking.

Apply this to the blogosphere for writers and aspiring authors. Agents and editors want you to be well versed and active on the Web. They want to see that you use every platform you can get your calloused little fingertips on, but more importantly they want to see that you use discretion with it.

This was a conversation Bree and I had recently, about how social networks have made everyone accessible to everyone else. How it’s good, and bad. In the end we have to remind ourselves as often as possible that the rules of professionalism you would use at a conference or in a query must be applied to the Web. The fingerprint we leave on the Web represents us just as much as a query letter.

Do I blog or tweet about Bree? Abso-friggin-lutely! Just two days ago I tweeted her dating advice to me as she was on the phone giving it. “I think you should frickin’ Puma it up. Cause you’re freaking hot and you just need to be a Puma.”

How could I not tweet that?!

But there’s a whole lot I don’t tweet, blog or talk about. We’ll refer to it as “Information that Shall Not Be Named.” It is very likely that my dying words will be a death gurgle comprised of secrets we hold. Instead of “Roooosebuuuuud,” it’ll be “Ogggdeeeeen.”

Because Bree and I are a team and anyone who joins that team in the future will join knowing that we’re Vegas up in here – What happens here stays here. (Unless you say the cutest thing ever involving the word “Puma” as a verb.)

Prior to signing with Bree, I twitter stalked her, as all of you should! Use these tools to research agents with the goal of sending a more educated query and NOT, I repeat NOT, as a means to become besties with them so that when they get your query they’re seduced or guilted into signing you.

Trying to become Web Besties with an agent will not help you. However, it could hurt you.

It’s a fine line, and D iscretion is needed with a whoppin’ side of P rofessionalism. It’s okay to show personality, it’s important! It’s important to be yourself and be accessible, but make sure that a healthy dose of DP is part of who you are as an author.

This here Internet is more than a playground. Stay classy.

Meet the Peas Interview Series: HC Noel

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

Now we take a turn in the dark and spooky mind of Howie Noel, creator of webcomic and upcoming graphic novel, Taranormal.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

Hmmm…my entire run in public school. That should cover it.

When was your first date and/or kiss?
The day is mine. I always win this question. My first kiss occured at the funeral for a baby cousin of mine who had just passed. I never even met the kid before. My aunt cornered me at the funeral home and told me to kiss the baby goodbye. Where were my parents? Nobody can remember. I didn’t even know what to do. She brought me over to the dead baby and made me kiss her. It has haunted me ever since. True story. It’s terrible but very funny.


Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?
I am Ally Sheedy but without the dandruff and the kleptomania.


Guilty Pleasures: Song? Movie? TV Show? 
Song: The entire Moulin Rouge Soundtrack. It rules.Movie: Ghoulies 2. I don’t even feel guilty about it. It’s all pleasure.TV Show: Small Wonder. It’s a robot child who is forced to live in her fake brother’s closet. So creepy. So much wonder.


Describe the best meal you ever had:
I took my wife to Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant at the London in NYC for Valentine’s Day. It was beyond amazing. Every bite was perfect.


What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?
I just want to meet as many cool people as possible. I wanted to meet Michael Jackson but that’s not gonna happen. But I will get to see him in Captain EO at Disney so I’m counting that, yo!

We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!!

What is your favorite word?

Scrumtrulescent

What is your least favorite word?

Lazy

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)?

Movies, music and friends. I find inspiration in people’s expressions and eyes too. 

What turns you off?

People who say I can’t do something as if it’s unachievable. 

What is your favorite curse word?

Co$!$@!ingmotherf$!?$ker. But with the real letters in there. It’s poetic.

What sound or noise do you love?

The sound of nighttime outside in the countryside. Like crickets and such.

What sound or noise do you hate?

A loud alarm in the morning.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Professional wrestler. Just like Andy Kaufman.

What profession would you not like to do?

I’m not a great builder like with wood and stuff so it’s best not to have me do that. Or any automobile work.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God save when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Seriously, it’s okay, you’re meant to be here. No, it’s not a trick. Relax. Go grab a drink with Elvis. He’s at the bar.

See Howie Tweet. See Howie Blog. See Howie wrestle Dracula and a Werewolf.

Meet the Peas Interview Series: Ron Rutler

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

Next up we have the full-of-personality author of Middle Grade Novel, The Raven in Bermuda Shorts: Ron Rutler.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

In high school a couple of us quit football before we even played in a single game, and we decided to become yell leaders.  So much for the macho pigskin seasoned prologue that I just sprinkled onto this male yell leader tale.

Now here comes the embarrassing part… One day at a game I’m lifting this really cute cheerleader into the air, and my butt decides that it’s time to let out its own version of a vuvuzela toot. I was hoping no one noticed, BUTT…

When was your first date and/or kiss?

This would sound like a CYA statement if it wasn’t true.  The first kiss with my wife Heather was Kiss-eriffic.

My first, first kiss, was in 7th or 8th grade, I think. My first date, I believe, was holding hands at Fairy Land Amusement Park. Holding hands was a big deal because girls still had cooties back then, you know.

Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?

Felt inferior to everyone in the universe, self-conscious, a bit shy, but still managed to land cool parts in our high school productions, play guitar, & sing in rock and roll bands with my friends. Sorry, haven’t seen the “Breakfast Club.”

Guilty Pleasures: Song? Movie? TV Show?

I like the humor of Mel Brooks movies.  And the Blues Brothers movie, cracks this odd duck up. As far as TV goes, I like ”The Closer.”  Favorite channels are the History and Discovery Channels. Music-wise, Beatles, Van Morrison, and all Blues sets my bobble-head in action.

Describe the best meal you ever had:

My dad, and now my brother, make a grrrrreaaat roast and dumplings. The handmade potato dumplings are the size of baseballs and laced with bits of bacon. Smother the roast and the dumpling with gravy, and the MMMMMM’s take over. And my sister’s Sarma is a wonderful New Year’s Day treat.

And I have to tell you that I am not a big fan of meatloaf, but my mother-in-law’s meatloaf is out of this world good. And her rhubarb pie is unbelievable. I’m starting to sound like Eddie Haskell, aren’t I, but hey, it’s true, she is an awesome cook.

Recently I had the Capallini at the Blue River Bistro in Breckenridge, and it was aaaamazzzing-ah!

Sorry about the lengthy answer, but my wife and I just did one of those fruit-and-veggie-only cleansing diets, and I am really aware of food right now.

What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?

Spend six months in Hawaii and six months in the Colorado Mountains, or longer. I’d also like to visit Bainbridge Island, WA, some day.

I would love to harmonize with Paul McCartney on a Beatles song or two. The man’s music and his voice is still amazing.  I didn’t get to go to his most recent concert here in Kansas City, but a friend of mine went, and he commented about how he noticed these 8 and 10-year-old kids dancing and enjoying his music.  Pretty cool when you write something that generation after generation gets. Awesome job, PAUL!

What’s a story about you your Mother always tells?

My mom was playing a thinner version of Santa Claus at our school when I was in grade school.  I pointed to her and said, “Are you my mom?”  I think I embarrassed her.  She was a mom playing Santa, you know.

And she had favorite sayings that she used to say and post on the medicine cabinet mirror. Like, “If you act like a doormat, people will walk on you.”  ”You can draw more flies with honey than you can vinegar.”  ”To have a friend, you have to be a friend”…

We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!!

What is your favorite word?

Words: Thank You.

What is your least favorite word?

Me this, me that, me-ism’s.

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)?

Early mornings are awesome and most inspirational for me, and my favorite time to write. Usually start my day off with a lap around a rosary for my family and friends.

What turns you off?

Big egos.

What is your favorite curse word?

Son of A Bitch.  (Since The Raven In Bermuda Shorts is a PG novel, I thought I’d start with SOB, but actually it’s tied for first place with about 6 million other ones)

What sound or noise do you love?

The sound of my wife’s and my stepson John’s laughs.  The crack of a baseball coming off of a wooden bat. The “I Love You’s” from my kids.  The sound of my 401(k)s coming back.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Screeching feedback noise of a P.A. speaker system.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Any position at Kansas City’s Boulevard Brewery, or musician/entertainer.

What profession would you not like to do?

President! The plane would be cool and all, but the rest, no thanks.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God save when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

No, no, no, you weren’t hypocritical, really. Now, go on in and join your family and friends.

See Ron Tweet. Be a fan of The Raven.

Meet the Peas Interview Series: Michael Gibney

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

We’re moving along here at a steady pace! Almost to the finish line! But we can’t get there without first meeting author of The Brotherhood and the Shield: The Three Thorns: Michael Gibney.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

My temp, false tooth flying out across the dinner table at a group of jocks at school when I dropped the ‘f’ bomb at them. EPIC FAIL! Serves me right! I was still considered cool because I would stand up to them but that was still pretty embarrassing.

When was your first date and/or kiss?

When I was 13 with an older girl named Gemma, she was blonde and very smart, so blondes are NOT stupid!


Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?

I was a more confident Basket Case than Ally Sheedy was and was a total Rebel like Judd Nelson without being a criminal. So I’d be one or the other. I wasn’t academically smart enough to be the brain, or popular enough to be the jock. I hated sports. And I was working-class so I couldn’t be rich like Molly Ringwald. I’d go for the Rebel. 

Describe the best meal you ever had:

My first time trying Sushi or a medium rare steak at the Cheesecake Factory in Orange County.

Guilty Pleasures: Song? Movie? TV Show?

Song - Live To Tell by Madonna (purely because the production and musical arrangements and melody are phenomenal by British Producer Patrick Leonard)

Movie - Dolls (Cheesy Horror movies from the 80s were my guilty pleasures)

TV Show - Star Trek Voyager (Maybe considered a guilty pleasure but one I’m not ashamed of)

What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?

Great White Shark Cage Diving. Because they are in my reocurring nightmares I’ve had all my life. Haven’t had the opportunity to get in the cage yet.



What’s a story about you your Mother always tells?

Too many, but one is that I was so bad tempered, as a baby if I didn’t have the room’s undivided attention I would bite my baby teeth into the carpet/rug so that no one could pick me up without dragging the rug with me as I would be screaming. I was about 10-12 months old. Ha ha



We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!!

What is your favorite word?
Faith

What is your least favorite word?
C**t (I don’t even want to type it but you get the idea) Hate that word. 

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)?

God, love, hard work, creativity, productiveness, positivity, music, art, film, photography and quality.

What turns you off?

Mediocrity. Negativity. Cheesy and tacky music/art/films/fashion. Entertainment folk with Zero Class. When artists don’t give their all and think that’s good enough.

What is your favorite curse word?
Poppycock! lol It’s old school and a lot more innocent.

What sound or noise do you love?
You mean Noise not nose right? (Editor’s note: There was a typo originally, but all have been fixed… including Michael’s.) I love the sound of water. Evening sounds. Crickets, owls, etc. Laughter. The Japanese language - Beautiful. 

What sound or noise do you hate?
Children, Adults or Animals in pain or crying. Too upsetting and I want to fix it. Sound of people angry and hating each other. Raised voices. Traffic and horns. 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Besides writing I would like to direct a feature film, or act in a feature film or sing and rock out in a grunge/indie band, or work on my own comic book. Anything creative or artistic basically.

What profession would you not like to do?
Construction, Manual Labouring. Stacking Shelves, Sales, Waitoring, Usher, Video Store Clerk. All of which I have done and never want to repeat.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God save when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

I believe it does exist and just to be allowed into the presence of the Lord will be blessing enough for me. If anything, I will be confessing with my tongue Jesus is Lord.

See Michael Tweet. See Michael Face His Fears.

The Importance of Being Cheesiest

A fair warning, this entry will seem cheesy to some. Actually, this entry will seem cheesy to most, including those it’s about. But this evening (this early morning) I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my creative peers and the luck that has been bestowed upon me to be challenged weekly.

The persons in question? Bob Wieck, Andrew Seiler, Brian Papandrea, Erik Heilner, Matthias Schneider and Scott MacDonald.

I’m an improviser, not because I have lofty dreams of being on SNL or Sonic Commercials, but because it challenges me creatively and keeps the dreaded “writer’s block” at bay. It keeps the gears of my imagination moving and forces me to stay out of my head, or if I ever end up there, to get out immediately. It keeps me connected to my imagination by bypassing the ego.

Improvisation on the stage helped me improvise on the page by keeping my mind moving, and quite literally, by arming me with tools of storytelling I applied directly to writing fiction.

Time jump to a couple months ago: an offer of representation, a contract, celebration, reality, a marketing proposal, another section to the marketing proposal, and another, pitches, rejections, irons in the fire… It’s a lot for a mind to compute. It’s enough to block a creative mind. It’s enough to get you in your head.

Which it did.

Time jump again to this past week. I missed writing. The immediate adrenaline rush of an idea forming in one’s mind, vibrating through every limb until somehow making it’s way out through the fingertips onto the page or screen. I haven’t had this feeling in a while. I needed a fix. Badly.

But it wasn’t coming. I was stunted.

Then, tonight, I met up with my guys… my Men, as I call them. A group of creatives/performers I have the honor of meeting with every Sunday night to play pretend and create “Make ‘Em Ups” for an audience willing to laugh.

All week I’ve been banging my fists together asking the universe to unclog the plumbing of my imagination, to Drano that Shit and get the ideas flowing. Then finally, tonight these guys gave me the gift of Creative Drano. I booked it home to get the ideas down. And the adrenaline has pumped each hour since then.

So a big thanks to these guys, these fellow members of “Vulcan Hipsters” (That’s our team name!) for clearing out my creative plumbing (and I’m sure I’m going to hear a BUNCH of punchlines regarding that statement next time I see them).

But here’s my golden nugget of wisdom to others, to  the Anonymously Aspiring… get yourself a group like this. Get yourself some Vulcan Hipsters, in whatever form they may take. Expand your creative reach into something beyond writing to feed your writing, and surround yourself with those who are imaginative and playful so that when you begin taking yourself or your work too seriously, they can remind you where to return in order to open the writing gates once again.

This is a business. But before it was that, it was play. Surround yourself with people who will remind you of that in their own way every chance they get… or at least every Sunday night.

Meet the Peas Interview Series: Renae Mercado

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

In this installment we meet author of Young Adult novel, Fatal Beauties: Renae Mercado.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

My gosh there are so many! If I had to pick one I would say when I was in college, working at Claire’s and I passed out while at work.  My boss was showing us the tape from her eye surgery and I just hit the floor.  Something with eyeballs.  I can’t handle them.  Of course everyone was freaked out and they called my parents.  Not to mention customers in the store…not a fun day at work.

When was your first date and/or kiss?

This should be my most embarrassing moment!  My first kiss was at the skating rink in sixth grade.  It was one of those instances where my friends and I were seated on the benches with our boyfriends, someone counted to three and everyone kissed.  Absolutely ridiculous!  

Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?

If any it would be the princess because I was spoiled rotten.  But I was more the cheerleader/dance type.  Yes, I was in drill team with the tasseled boots and all! 

Guilty Pleasures: Song? Movie? TV Show?
Song- Hard to choose because I love music!  But I would have to say, No Surprise by Daughtry

Movie- Harry Potter…I am a nut when it comes to those movies.  My son has already claimed he will not be seeing The Deathly Hallows with me.

TV Show- Vampire Diaries (Sorry Bree! I know how you are with vamps, but that show is addictive!)

Describe the best meal you ever had:

The best meal I ever had was the last time my family and I got together at my grandparents house before my grandpa passed away.  My grandmother is the most amazing cook and my family is fantastically crazy, so when we all get together it’s quite the event!

What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?

At the top of my bucket list is to visit New York City.  I live in the middle of nowhere.  Literally.  And New York has always been a place I would love to see up close.  I haven’t been yet for a number of reasons.  When I lived at home, my dad always said it was just another big city.  And now, well with two kids and a million other things going on I haven’t had the time.  But I will make it there someday!  

What’s a story about you your Mother always tells?

Oh my gosh!  When I was little, I loved the movie Grease.  Whenever we would eat at Pizza Hut my parents would let me pick songs on the jukebox.  (Yes they used to have those in Pizza Hut don’t laugh!) Anyway I would always choose a song from Grease and climb up on the chairs and dance.  In my defense I was only six or seven and had encouragement.  For some reason my mother loves this story and still tells people!

(We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!!)

What is your favorite word?

Crap

What is your least favorite word?

Hurry…my son says this at least fifteen times every time he goes shopping with me.  Drives me crazy!

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)?

Music-I love listening to music.  Whatever my mood it helps.

What turns you off?

Someone asking me “What are you doing?” when it’s completely obvious.

What is your favorite curse word?

Douche-bag (it’s a long story)

What sound or noise do you love?

Listening to my kids laugh. 

What sound or noise do you hate?

My alarm clock 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

A dentist!  My dad is a dentist and everyone fears him! 

What profession would you not like to do?

Construction.  Working outside?  No thanks! 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  

“It’s about time you arrived!” (Because I hope to be very, very old before I get there!)

See Renae Tweet. See Renae Blog. See Renae Sing.

Conversations With My Agent

Monday, August 30, 2010 - 2:00(ish) am EST

Me: “I can’t wait to write the next few. I’ve been having ideas.”

Bree: “Yeah?”

M: “Yeah… I’m stoked to develop Character X and Character Z’s relationship… it’s going to be crazy.”

B: “Nice! I Love Character Z. So hot!”

M: “I know, right?! It’s going to be so intense. It’ll TOTALLY be like when a tornado meets a volcano! It’s all just going to build and build…”

B: “…wait, what?”

M: (pregnant pause) “…huh?”

B: “Did you just quote Eminem? Seriously?”

M: “…well, I mean it’s like when…”

B: “No, really. Is that quote from somewhere else and Eminem happened to quote it too?”

M: “…maybe, but I don’t know…”

B: “So you quoted Eminem.”

M: (pregnant-with-twins pause) “…yup.”

Meet The Peas Interview Series: D.M. Cunningham

Pod: noun

      1. An elongated vessel, as in bean or pea

      2. A protective compartment

Breepod: noun

      1. Literary Agent Bree Ogden’s client list, as nicknamed by said client list.

The Meet the Peas interview series is intended to give readers a closer look at the personality that makes up Bree Ogden’s Client List. And let’s be real for a second, this group is bursting at the seams with personality.

Today, we discover the uncharted territory inside the mind of Literary Asylum’s first inmate, author of the soon-to-rock-your-world Middle Grade Novel Pair of Normals, and Fashion Icon: D.M. Cunningham.

What was your most embarrassing moment either as a child or adult?

One of my first gigs on a film shoot as a production assistant I was waiting around like everyone does in between takes. This was a big commercial and the camera was locked down to shoot this FX shot. If the camera was bumped or moved it would be a total nightmare. Well, being the curious person that I am, I was standing about four feet away from the camera and there was this focus pulling device laying on the table. I picked it up and started turning the dial. I heard screaming from all kinds of people. I looked up at the monitor and saw the lens snapping back and forth on focal length.

Guess what? The focus puller was connected to the camera and I BLEW the entire shot. It was hands down the worst day of my beginning career. I actually wasn’t fired but I was the butt of all jokes for a long time. I had to work really hard to get out of that one.

When was your first date and/or kiss?

First kiss had to be with Olivia Newton John and her picture on the Grease Album. It was just me and her and Hopelessly Devoted to You belting out on the mono record playing device. Yes, I said record and mono.

Following the “Breakfast Club” rules to sweeping generalization stereotypes, what kind of teenager were you?

I would say that I am a Breakfast Combo of the Geek, Criminal, and Basket Case. There are many aspects of each of them that I embody. I lean mostly toward the geek side. My creative side can be dark and twisted with a lot of humor to it. I hung out with all types in school and I wasn’t stuck having to hang with just the dorks or rockers or goths or preppies. I was in a band and that made me friends with a lot of people.

Guilty Pleasures: Song? Movie? TV Show?

Song - Any Hip Hop song that white people know all the lyrics too and dance like lunatics when it comes on. You know what I’m talking about Jiggy peeps!

Movie - This is a hard one for me because I LOVE cheesy movies and most people would call the movies I watch “guilty pleasures”. To me they are just pleasurable and completely dorky and good. Some prime examples would be - Dodgeball, Nacho Libre, Never Been Kissed, Dead and Breakfast, and some of Michael Bay’s movies (shriek, I know - but Transformers was a face melter).

TV Show - Hannah Montana is my GP for sure. I love the zany, quirky, chaos ensues nature of the show. And the fact that just her blond wig is enough to hide her identity, much like Superman and Clark, is an enjoyable leap of faith.

Describe the best meal you ever had:

My honeymoon in Bora Bora, my wife and I had some of the best Lamb in my entire life. The food at the resort was off of this planet good. Every day, every meal was insanely tasty. That lamb was amazing. AND the ravioli I had, again with my wife, at Peppone’s in Brentwood, CA. The absolute best I have ever had. I wanted to take it home with me and sing to it.

What’s something on your Bucket List you haven’t tried yet? Why is it on the List? Why haven’t you tried it?

First on the list is NOT kicking the Bucket before I can accomplish the list. I would say one thing on my list is playing a smoking guitar solo. I have been playing for a while and it is one of those things that takes time to sit down and practice and practice and practice. Which we know there isn’t a lot of time to do. It’s on the list because I love chunky guitar riffs and screaming leads. Plus my wife thinks it’s pretty cool when I jam out and get into rock star pose!

What’s a story about you your Mother always tells?

I was really big into this Miami Vice stage when I was a young teenager. I had to dress like Don Johnson in the ridiculous bright colors and linens and blazers and boat shoes all the time. I thought I was so cool. Okay, it was pretty cool. When she asked how I was doing in school, I said “okay”. Well in my terms, okay meant - not getting suspended (the Bender aspect).

Days later she got a letter in the mail from the school saying that I was not doing “okay” and that I needed to get my act together basically. She was so made at me that she pounded Don Johnson’s face on the collector cover of a magazine I had. It was like she was hammering me through Don. I took some serious offense to that. How dare she smack Crockett around!! We laugh about that all the time now. Back then it was devastating.

(We’re going Actors Studio style now - rapid fire!!!!!!)

What is your favorite word?

I’m really liking the word CLEAN right now. Clean house, clean writing, clean feet (that’s a big one - hate dirty feet - drives me crazy Ahhhh!)

What is your least favorite word?

Can’t

What turns you on (creatively/spiritually/inspiration)?

Creatively - Passion for what you do - write, art, music, cook, sewing - you name it. If you do it well and you love it. That is a turn on.
Spiritually - Wisdom (knowing that there is not just one single way, also knowing it is all connected)
Inspiration - My family is my inspiration. Making them proud pushes me every day.

What turns you off?

Ignorance

What is your favorite curse word?

I have two - Chapstick and DingleDork

What sound or noise do you love?

My wife and daughter laughing, their voices.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Loud people that HAVE to talk over you because they don’t know how to listen. Babbling white noise.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

MONSTER TRUCK driver! Smashing things with a big truck would be so cool. And I would have a giant Frankenstein’s Monster face on the front of my truck. FrankenTrucker. I would play a lot of Motley Crue too when I was driving around the stadium.

What profession would you not like to do?

Doctor. Too much stress. And if I had to tell someone that their loved one might not make it, I would be a total mess.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God save when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

I have two answers because there are two sides to me on this subject.

Humor: Welcome, people have been dying to reconnect!

Serious: Welcome, here there is no waiting (I don’t mean lines either)

See D.M. Tweet. See D.M. Blog. See D.M. Rock Out.